Dating and Depression, Part I: Co-Dependency

Dating and Depression, Part I: Co-Dependency

People who are co-dependents often come from families where one or both parents were alcoholics, drug dependent, ill, or emotionally or psychologically dysfunctional. As you can see, that includes just about all of us.

Being depressed is one of the results from being raised in this environment. Personality traits that bring on the depression can also make it difficult to attract and maintain healthy relationships. But recognizing co-dependent behaviors can help you see where change needs to occur. Here's your helicopter view of co-dependency that can come out looking like this:

1. People Pleasing -- You are so focused on the needs of others, you don't know what YOU want. This is a tough one because you get stroked for being easy to get along with. You might be the teacher's favorite, make good grades, and try, try, try your hardest to be the best. The point is, you spend your life trying to please; to be accommodating. You may become anxious when you have to say "No" to anyone. However, if you don't, eventually people go too far, ask too much, and become upset when you can't give more. When you need a break, do they thank you for all you've done? No. They're miffed you've stopped providing as much as you used to. What do you do? Instead of speaking up for yourself, you probably avoid them.

2. Poor Boundaries-- Your boundaries may be so blurry, people don't know where the line is between what is okay with you and what isn't. This applies to your possessions, thoughts, feelings, body, or money. Sometimes you're rigid -- sometimes, there is no line at all. You're never quite sure what you deserve, so you can be all over the map.

3. Dependency -- You may feel like you need someone near all the time. You also want other people to like you in order to feel okay about yourself, and are afraid of what you perceive to be rejection or abandonment. This quality can keep you from choosing suitable mates. But when a relationship isn't working, you find it almost impossible to end it.

4. Denial -- This is the inability to face the problem. For a while, you may insist that everything is "perfect". But when unhappiness sets in, you may think the problem is someone else's or belongs to the situation. You may find that you keep complaining about the way things are or you try to fix the other person. You might go from one relationship or job to another and remain in denial about your feelings and needs.

5. Problems with Intimacy -- This isn't just with sex, but with sharing close feelings, thoughts, and experiences. You may be afraid that you will be judged, rejected or shamed. Some co-dependents feel they will be trapped or smothered, and fear they will lose their autonomy. They refuse to let anyone in. You may not be in touch with your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much from you. You become what is known as -- emotionally unavailable. So -- you're in a catch 22. You want someone around -- but you don't want them to get too close. You don't want them to leave you -- but you don't want them to be too needy. The message you send is: come here, go away.

6. Control -- is one of the qualities that co-dependents use to feel safe and secure. You may use workaholism to hold your feelings down so you don't feel out of control -- and to not have to face what's not working in your life. You may complain about the partner you've chosen not being independent and successful -- and yet, you get anxious if you aren't in control in the relationship. Co-dependents need people close to them to behave in a certain way in order to feel okay.

What can you do if you see yourself in the above descriptions? First ...don't despair. You are part of humanity. All of us share some of the above traits and concerns.

Second, take a moment to think about what you want. Where would you like to be a year from now? What would you like to be doing? If you had your choice, who would you like to be with? Then, set some goals and begin to take one step at a time to inch closer to what the answers to those questions look like.

You don't have to be depressed. And you CAN be with someone wonderful. You really do get to have a different result, a different world, and a big life.

Have a great week.

 Warmest thoughts to you, Kween De Planna